Thursday. Day 9, one more day to go! Thanks to the cleanse the thoughts are rushing.
I woke up feeling tired after a night of no rest on this uncomfortable futons. A few nights back I couldn't sleep so I layered all four of my futons on top of each other. There is just too much hip on this girl and I could feel it crushing into the floor below the futon. It hurt like hell. I wondered, "does this ever happen to Japanese woman?" And I thought about their shape and size, then realized probably not. So I layered every futon I own on top of each other. Last night, I was pissed I just couldn't sleep. I am still waking up with a sore neck and back. My body has had enough; it wants its pillow topped mattress back. And giant cotton pillows. But it can't have them just yet, so I woke up tired/exhausted as I have on many nights of fitting with my sleep quaters. Forcing myself up, I grabbed my favorite hoodie, put on a song, and began the morning salt water routine, as I lost myself in thought. As 8:30 rolled around, I realized I was in a place I liked, so I called the office and took the morning off. This is not an easy task when the one person who speaks English in your office has taken the day off. However, after living here for 6 months, they have begun to learn some of the important english words. So we figured it out.
What was I so caught in thought about? Well, the same stuff as yesterday, what to do about next year and with the time left. It just keeps becoming more clear. Thinking of home makes me smile. I want it, the things I plan for it. It's in my blood to struggle and work for my dreams. It feels counter productive here. Even back home, waitressing is more productive. I find time and material to write about. I still have energy, it's a workout, and I am making money (around the same amount as I do now, I hussle). Everyone makes you feel like, "now is the only chance you'll have to see the world. You are young now, when will you get the chance to do this again?" The answer is, I am young I should be doing what I love and do you hear yourselves? You're only going to live, to travel, to love when you are young? I want to do that my whole life. I will make traveling work for me but I won't let it sacrifice my goals. I think home is what I want. Not home as in MA with my family. I love them. But I don't want to be where I am most comfortable. I don't want to wither away in some small town or some run down city, I want to go where I am inspired to push myself. So I think my mind is made up. But I'll take some more time and let my BOE know by April.
What will I do with the time left in Japan? I will cook and write about it. Being a vegan in Japan is not easy and it has made me 10x the better cook. Everything has to be made from scratch. So I will cook, I will experiment. This is something I am willing to invest in. I'll post everything on this blog, as a beginners cook book so to speak. And then, I'll edit it all, test it all out, and put it into a cook book. I've been wanting to write one for some time.
Wasn't the cleanse to stop thinking about food? Yes, it was and it's working. Cooking isn't about the food for me, it's about the moment. This is about getting one goal down, a cook book, a damn good one. It will be fun. It might cost me an arm and a leg, but it will be about the fun. I look forward to writing about it and sharing it.
As for my writing: I will write. I've been feeling more up to it, particularly today. Well until I argued with my predecessor online. I"ll leave that for another time. Needless to say, I still feel maybe it will start up again. I've had an old professor running through my head, the first writing professor I had at Emerson who implied I didn't necessarily have it until I retook her class the following semester and she could see she was wrong. But she still didn't love my work because it didn't suite her. That bugged me. Her inability to be objective with student's work. It's been bugging me. I had a countless number of talented writing professors afterwards who congratulated me on my work and who meant the world to me, but I still wonder. I guess life after graduation had me worried about writing outside of being someone's paycheck. But I have been stupid, I have great instincts. I could always read when I professor was being nice and when they meant it. I could read it when it was my own work. I know that it was rarely the case with my work. But in my attempt to stay humble, I second guessed all of it. Now, I just want to write for the shake of it, find a contest and get it done. I'll write when I can get myself there, I'll keep pushing. Today seems like a good day for it. A good day for a slam poem. I need a desk, a real one and to write in a room I don't sleep in. That's the next step.
Worries: I'm a bit worried that the boredom in Japan won't keep this creative flow going and that I will burn out again. I need to be busy, I need to feel it all running through me. And if it can't change here enough. That I know 100% that I will be home come August and moving come September. I think that is what I want. I'll have to struggle to stay stimulated.
Day 9 is just beginning, brushing it off and bringing it on. And I am so ready to jump start my healthy living/excising again. :)))
No comments:
Post a Comment